Let’s start with a hot take: The Indonesia Stock Exchange (IHSG) isn’t crashing—it’s just doing its annual interpretive dance routine titled “Look How Fragile Your Financial Dreams Are.” This week, the index dove 6.5% to 6,049, a number that sounds less like a stock index and more like the PIN code to Satan’s debit card. But before you sell your kidney to buy the dip (or drown your sorrows in a tub of es teler), let’s laugh-cry about why this chaos is as normal as your Gojek driver taking the scenic route.

According to CNN Indonesia, the IHSG’s nosedive isn’t a solo act—it’s part of a global talent show where everyone’s losing. The U.S. Federal Reserve hiking interest rates? That’s just Uncle Sam’s way of saying, “You think inflation’s bad? Let me show you bad.” Meanwhile, geopolitical tensions (read: grown adults in suits threatening to cancel each other on Twitter) have investors panicking faster than a bakso vendor spotting a health inspector.

Experts in the article insist this plunge is a “normal correction.” Translation: “Relax, your life savings aren’t dead—they’re just doing yoga in a cave in Bali.” Markets rise and fall like your motivation after watching Netflix’s “How to Get Rich” while eating mie instan at 2 a.m. Since 2020, the IHSG has swung harder than your tante’s gossip group during a gosip artis scandal. This dip? Merely a pit stop on the “jalan tol” to long-term gains… or bankruptcy. Who knows!

The IHSG’s plunge isn’t a crisis—it’s a reminder that the stock market is just Tinder for money. Sometimes you swipe right on a blue-chip, sometimes you match with a penipu. But as long as you don’t bet your THR on saham gorengan, you’ll live to trade another day.

So, grab some kopi, ignore your portfolio, and repeat after us: “In the long run, we’re all just here for the nasi kotak and free WiFi.” 💸

Disclaimer: This article is satire. Please don’t actually take financial advice from a writer who thinks “IHSG” stands for “I Hate Selling Gado-gado.”